Reach for a better feeling thought

Reach for a better feeling thought

If you ask me who my favourite spiritual teacher is, without a doubt, it’s Abraham Hicks. Abraham ignited my healing journey and continues to be my go-to for every problem I come across.

The message is centred around feeling. It’s reaching for a better feeling thought.

It’s understanding that everything that you’ve ever wanted is because you think you will feel better in the having of it

It’s about feeling better and how to reach that place.

Are you hurting? You want to feel peace.

Are you angry? You want to feel joy.

Are you in physical pain? You want to feel healthy and comfortable.

Are you confused? You want to feel clarity.

Are you lost? You want to feel stability and security.

Once you know which feeling you’re reaching for you can begin choosing better feeling thoughts.

It could be as simple as adding ‘yet’ to the phrase to soften the emotion.

I want to feel peace and I don’t….yet but I will. I want to feel peace and I don’t right now but I know I can get there. And until I get there I won’t hate on myself for not feeling peace.

I will love myself until I do feel peace.

Then notice the moments where you do feel peace. In meditation, singing along with your favourite song, in the shower where all you can hear is the water flowing. Bask in those moments. Milk those moments and watch the moments gain momentum and grow.

Always remember that you are important and you are enough 💜

Do you love him or….?

Do you love him or….?

After living for an extended period of time in an abusive, volatile and toxic relationship you muster the courage, enact the plan and make the decision to leave. To be free of the abuse and violence. To stop walking on eggshells. To try and remember who you are deep inside. We know it’s the right decision, the best decision to make but are often overwhelmed by the love we still have and feel for our abusers. It can be troubling, upsetting and cause you to rethink your choices and your decision to leave.  
Was it really that bad? Did I overreact? How much did I really contribute? Should I go back? Could we make it work? 
All valid questions. Only you can answer them honestly. But here are some other questions that may help you out. 
Do you love who he is or do you love who he was when you first met? 

Do you love him or do you love the idea of him? The idea of being in a relationship. The idea of having someone to come home to. The idea of travelling this journey with your partner in crime? 

Do you love him or do you wish your children lived with both parents in a complete family?  

Do you love him or are you just questioning your foggy and traumatised headspace? 
It’s okay to feel love for someone who you shared a big part of your life with. The person you created a family with. The person you imagined a beautiful future with. 
What’s not okay is being made to feel worthless. Being called names. Walking on eggshells. Living in fear. 

What’s not okay is being kicked or slapped, pushed or choked. 

What’s not okay is not feeling like you are equal partners in your relationship. Like what you say doesn’t matter. 

What’s not okay is leaving your children without a mother when he accidentally or deliberately goes too far.  
And after all of that, if you still truly love him, you need to learn to love you more. Before love kills you. 

My Story

My Story

I was 15 when I met him. It was my first relationship. I was in a pretty bad place in my young years and it felt safe and comforting to be with someone. To begin with, there were no alarms bells. No red flags. I didn’t know any different.

Gradually the name calling stepped up. So did the mental abuse in the form of telling me no one else would ever want me, making me feel useless and worthless. Blaming me for everyone that went wrong Things were always my fault. He’d tell me he wouldn’t say the things he did if I wasn’t so stupid.

And still, I didn’t know what Domestic Violence was. The term wasn’t in the media. No one spoke of it. I actually didn’t learn what Domestic Violence was until about 11 years later. I didn’t know it was a thing, I just knew it was a horrible way to live.

By the time I understood I was living in a Domestic Violence relationship, I felt stuck. I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence and after being with him since I was 15 years old, I didn’t know any other life. I was terrified of being on my own. I was terrified of being a single Mum. And I was also terrified he’d actually kill me and my family if I ever left, like he’d threatened for so many years.

Arguments got physical sometimes, but it was the mental abuse that still haunts me. I’d will him to hit me sometimes. Because in my mind the episode would be over on the spot. The arguments and screaming and blaming and threats could go on for hours. And they never let up. I wished so many times he’d just hit me or knock me out so it was over. But instead I sat in my own home constantly in fear, constantly crying, hating life, hating myself.

Bitch, whore, slut, dumb fuck. Those words have lost their meaning to me these days. But what remains is the way I was made the feel. The eggshells I walked on. The fear of setting him off or doing something wrong. Feeling like I couldn’t do anything right or that nothing I did was good enough.

It took an allegation of cheating (he believed I cheated on him with a friend on a night we went to a social function together), a whole weekend of abuse, damage to my property and then calling me on Monday morning at work, visiting my workplace, more phone calls, threats and believing he would truly kill me this time that I let a work colleague call the police. That phone call started my leaving journey. I was bundled off to the police station to give my statement and apply for an Apprehended Violence Order in between phone calls and verbal threats to myself and my property.

He was charged with intimidation and ordered not to come anywhere near me, my house or my workplace. I was petrified to begin with. My mum and friends stayed at my house constantly because I was too scared to be there on my own in case he came over. I carried my phone to the washing line and slept with my phone in my hand. I only left the house for work and to get essentials. I looked over my shoulder constantly and I wondered if the stress, fear and angst was worth it.

It’s been 7 years now since I left and the stress, fear and angst was worth it. It’s been a tremendous journey. Not without its ups and downs, good times, bad times and downright messy times. But I’m so glad I did because this is a freedom I’ve never experienced before. And it’s a very beautiful feeling.

How to co-parent with an abuser and/or narcissist.

How to co-parent with an abuser and/or narcissist.

Children and shared custody after a mutual separation with an amicable ex-spouse can still be difficult sometimes. But with an abuser and/or narcissist it can quickly become your worst nightmare. Here are several ways to safeguard yourself and your interactions.

Your children’s best interests come first. This might be supervised visits, it might be allowing your children to make their own decision if they don’t want contact but it must be your child’s unbiased decision. If your children do want a relationship with both of their parents then it’s essential to be smart and put some guidelines into place.

Your relationship with your ex and how you feel is not the same as your children’s relationship with their parent and how they feel. Tread carefully when talking about your ex. Nothing negative. No coaching. No instilling thoughts. Your children will have their own memories that they are still processing. It is absolutely okay to engage honestly in a child led conversation but any conversation that begins with “Do you remember that time when…” is best left right alone.

If you don’t have court orders and feel they are a necessity, make an appointment with a legal advisor today. And then, follow the court orders. It is always best to follow the conditions on your court orders to the letter which includes drop off/pick up times, location and by whom. You may ask certain people (such as family members) to be excluded from the change over. If you let a little detail slide here and there you open yourself up to the conditions being disregarded and your ex playing games by being late or bringing along an extra person. “But you changed the location a month ago” is what you’ll hear instead of “I’m sorry I brought Y along despite the court order. I won’t do it again”. This is more about control and power coming into effect and the implications for later on down the track.

If an urgent issue arises such as your child disclosing something or becoming distressed leading up to a change over please seek urgent police and legal advice before making the decision to just not show up. That could quickly turn into a child abduction order.

Write down everything. EVERYTHING. It might feel like a chore to add to your day but you’ll be so grateful you did if you ever do need it in court. Conversations, what he said and she said will matter. Dates and times are essential. Facts only. If it’s not possible to write it down straight away while the memory is fresh, record it in your voice memos or on video until you can transcribe it. Whichever way you choose to do it, if you are dealing with an abuser please, please, please keep records and write it all down.

Devise a safe word or a safe phrase that you and your children can use when assistance is needed. Use something really easy and general so as not to arouse suspicion and heighten any emotions. Something like “Hey, on your way back from the shops could you grab me a Mars Bar?” If you hear your children use this phrase, call the police. If you are doing a drop off or a pick up and you message a friend with that, they will know to call the police. The key is to protect yourself and have a safety plan in place.

The most important thing to remember is that you can’t control their actions and words but you can control your own reactions and words. It’s hard but try not to buy into nasty remarks or emotionally driven comments. An abuser wants to see your reaction. They derive joy from you being flustered, upset or feeling like you’re going crazy. Try to remain calm, don’t enter into any non-child specific conversation and if you don’t feel grounded enough to do drop offs and pick ups ask for the courts to add a condition that someone else goes in your place, someone else goes in your ex’s place or someone neutral is involved instead.

And always, always remember that you are so much more than the way you’ve been made to feel and the words that have been used to hurt you. Stay safe.

How I’m trying to stop the cycle of Domestic Violence

How I’m trying to stop the cycle of Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence can be a cycle. Girls who grow up with abuse are more likely to find themselves in relationships with abusers and boys who grow up with abuse are more likely to become perpetrators. It’s a case of the unhealthy narratives they’ve become accustomed to, their views and tainted understanding of what ‘normal’ relationships are.

During my abusive marriage I thought I’d hidden a lot of it from my children. After I left my abusive marriage, I realised that my children had seen, heard and felt so much more than I’d realised. I remember constantly thinking and praying. “I hope I left early enough that Domestic Violence won’t be apart of their futures”.

I hoped I had gotten out early enough that my daughter didn’t ever find herself being treated the way I was and I hoped I had left early enough that my sons didn’t think that was the way you treated someone you vowed to love and protect. Rather than sitting on my hands nervously wishing, hoping and praying, I made the decision to actively try to change their trajectory.

I’m honest with them. They have seen their father yell, rant, punch holes, grab me and I’m honest with them that his actions are not okay. I don’t belittle him by saying he’s a terrible person but I do acknowledge his actions are wrong and criminal. I have suggested to them that their father should speak to a mental health professional. That also opens the gates for me to explain how important it is to speak to a mental health professional if they find themselves struggling at any point in the future, just like I would take them to the doctor for the flu or a chest infection.

Reach out for help. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes some professional help to support a child through emotional trauma. Utilise your General Practitioner, local mental health support organisations, counsellors and child and family centres whenever you feel it to be necessary. Children who have lived in trauma may have triggers that spark huge responses, coping mechanisms for survival, unable to self regulate or various other alternate strategies that served them then but hinder them now. Do not be ashamed to seek help. It could save their lives.

I encourage my children to embrace every single one of their emotions instead of suppressing them. I acknowledge that the emotions they feel are valid. This includes anger, frustration, sadness etc but I encourage them to be proactive rather than reactive with their emotions. This means teaching them to self regulate or control their emotions. It is okay to feel angry, however, it is not okay to hurt someone or say something nasty because you are angry. You do this by role modelling to your children how to recognise, acknowledge, sit with and redirect your own emotions.

I provide healthy outlets for their anger, frustration and energy. My children have played team sport and other activities for most of their lives. It’s a physical outlet where they come into contact with other positive adult role models. They get to run, move, be active and also learn how to accept praise and support, take direction and respect their coach. My boys have found many positive male role models and my daughter other positive female role models this way.

My older sons have access to a weight bench, hand weights and various indoor gym equipment. My younger sons have access to a plastic, water filled punching bag which is in a bedroom. Before I bought the punching bag, they used a pillow effectively. I suggested screaming into it or punching it. It helped and so I bought the lightweight punching bag to add to the mix.

Again, the emphasis is on the emotion being valid but it never being okay to verbally or physically lash out at someone to redirect that emotion.

I have immersed myself in my own healing which directly and indirectly benefits them and their futures. Anne Lamott said “The most profound thing we have to offer our children is our own healing”. I practice meditation and mindfulness every day and I encourage them to as well. I have embarked on my own journey towards peace, self confidence, compassion and happiness. I’ve found our whole existence to be a little bit calmer and little more deliberate instead of just ebbing and flowing like being on the rollercoaster of life.

Above all, be kind to yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself for the past. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you do from here that makes the difference. We do what we feel is best at the time given our specific circumstances, situations, abilities and capabilities. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” Maya Angelou.

2 words to stop saying to change your perspective and lift your vibration.

2 words to stop saying to change your perspective and lift your vibration.

Words have power, it is true, but they have power because of the feeling or emotion you attach to the words. Ask everyone what the word ‘cheat’ means to them and listen to the varying levels of emotion, pain and meaning they each give to that one word.

Words, or the feeling behind them, can make or break a few minutes of your life. Unfortunately, a lot of us let a word ruin our entire day. But what if you could change the word, and thus the feeling behind it, to help improve your mood and vibration?

1. Sorry

Stop saying sorry when it has a negative connotation attached. By all means, say sorry when you’re apologising (and actually mean it) but what if instead of saying Sorry and feeling guilty, embarassed or ashamed you said Thank you instead?

I’m so sorry I’m late = Thank you for waiting for me, I’ve had a rough morning.

I’m sorry for venting = Thank you for listening to me, I really appreciate it.

I’m sorry I made that mistake = Thank you for picking that up, phew, saved me!

2. Have

Sounds strange on its own to see ‘have’ but that 4 letter word can put the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I have to go to work today, ugh = I choose to go to work today to earn income which supports my lifestyle.

I have to go to the gym = I choose to go to the gym to feel strong and healthy.

I have to walk the dog this afternoon = I get to walk my dog in the fresh air, be active and spread some happiness to my dog.

I have to wake up to a 5am alarm in the morning = I get to wake up and enjoy the day.

Words are important. Language is important. So is the feeling behind it. So if your words put pressure on you, make you feel like crap and lower your vibration look for some alternatives that will make you feel better and raise your vibration.

4 ways to ‘uncondition’ kids who have been conditioned not to talk.

4 ways to ‘uncondition’ kids who have been conditioned not to talk.

Children who have experienced Domestic and Family Violence or trauma at the hands of adults have generally been conditioned not to talk by the adults who have the most to lose.

“Don’t tell anyone because you don’t want me to get in trouble do you?”
“It’s our secret”
“Please don’t tell your teacher what your Dad did last night, you might get taken away by DoCS/Child Services”

When adults benefit from children staying quiet they teach children that their voices don’t need to be heard and that their concerns aren’t valid. The implications are enormous as children grow up not reaching out for help and support, remaining voiceless when they live in volatile and traumatic circumstances.

I conditioned my children not to talk.

I convinced them not to talk about how angry their Dad got. I asked them not to repeat the names he called me, the times he punched a hole in the door or wall, when the police got called or when I got hit. They stayed quiet because of my shame and guilt.

After I finally managed to leave my abusive relationship, I found that too many years of conditioning them not to talk meant they couldn’t and wouldn’t open up to counsellors, doctors, teacher or any other professional who wanted to help them.

I had conditioned them not to talk and so even when I gave the green light, they still didn’t.

This resulted in lots of bottled up emotions. Deteriorating mental health from not being able to process their trauma. Unable to move forward.

So how did I begin to ‘uncondition’ them?

I explained to them exactly what I had done. That I had conditioned them not to talk. I explained why it benefited me at the time and how it had been detrimental to them. And I apologised sincerely and unreservedly for it.

I gave them permission to talk by talking to someone myself. I talked to doctors and counsellors, mental health professionals and family care workers. I talked to anyone who would listen. I modelled to my children that it was okay to talk. That it was safe for them to talk, that it was essential for them to talk. To professionals, to trusted adults, to friends, to me. Just talk. It will help them to heal.

I made my home a safe space to talk. There was no punishments for speaking their truth, no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. We started out sharing the little insignificant things. Lots of them until they felt more comfortable to start sharing bigger things.

If you want your children to tell you the big things later then you need to listen to the little things now because to them, they have always been big things.

I emphasised that they could talk to anyone they felt comfortable talking to. I teach my children to follow their instinct and gut feeling in regards to people, events, interactions and scenarios. This also extends into whoever they want to talk to. My daughter told me one day that she felt really comfortable with her dance teacher and had started mentioning little pieces of information and asked if that was okay with me. I assured her that if she felt comfortable talking to her dance teacher that it was perfectly fine with me and I was proud of her for wanting to open up.

Childhood trauma can have serious implications well into the future and long after they’ve been removed from the situation. Suppressing their pain only makes it worse. But you can help them by reassuring them it’s safe to talk so they can begin to process their trauma, start to heal and move forward.

How’s your Mental Health?

How’s your Mental Health?

I’m a huge advocate of reaching out to someone, anyone, when you feel your mental health in decline.

Part of removing the secrecy and taboo-ness of the Mental Health topic is to talk more freely about it and acknowledge that it’s ok to not be ok. People struggle and that’s ok but you should reach out and take the little steps to try and move forward. Day by day, hour by hour if that feels more manageable.After 3 months of two very sore partially erupted wisdom teeth, 2 painful extractions and a long, hard recovery period coupled with single mum life and no breaks from my parenting and adulting responsibilities, my car at the mechanics and my sons car breaking down last night (which I’ve been driving in my car’s absence), work stresses, unable to get to work today and feeling like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders means today is the point where I’m publicly acknowledging that I’m struggling right now.I have been reaching out to my beautiful soul sister over the last few weeks and I’m sure she’s noticed a decline in my mental health. I’ve had good bits here and there but the constant pain means my mood easily drops when something slightly less than desirable happens.I’ve been up since 4.50am, woken with tooth/jaw pain and I’ve had more than a few emotional moments this morning but now I need to take control of what happens from here.Right now I’m sitting in front of my current puzzle (pictured, my favourite hobby) with a coffee and I’m taking slow, deep breaths while I’m typing.I intend to finish the puzzle today and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

My house and washing is in shambles due to extraction, pain and recovery, rain and the fact that kids live here and while most people would advise to leave it, I know that my mood improves with a clean and organised house.I intend to set a timer of 5 minutes in every room of the house, do what I can and move on.There are several important phone calls I have been putting off which I will do today.I need to find a friend who can drive me and my son over to his car so the NRMA can come out (his level of membership meant that they wouldn’t come out last night because he wasn’t with me) and hopefully get some answers with that.I will do a guided meditation today and step outside to enjoy the fresh air, sunshine and beautiful surroundings to ground myself and recharge.From there we’ll see but for now I have a plan to try and get out of this funk.It’s ok to not be ok. But please reach out to someone and ask for support 💜

What is an intention and how do you set one?

What is an intention and how do you set one?

An intention is how you want to feel for the day. It is identifying the outcome you want to experience in a particular situation or circumstance. It is projecting how it will pan out.

You can set an intention at any point of the day. I like to set an intention in the morning while I’m in the shower. Usually my intention involves having a great day or feeling wonderful as I move throughout my day. Yesterday morning I set an intention for a particular outcome and I’m pleased that I got it.

A few months ago I had a wisdom tooth extracted. It was the first tooth I’ve had removed and the first major dental work I’ve had done. It was a particular traumatic experience. The tooth was stubborn and took around an hour to remove which meant my entire jaw, gums and teeth were sore due to the pressure and pulling and tugging. It resulted in nerve damage which caused other issues including a numb lip for around a month. I spent the following 4 days in bed, not moving, with painkillers doing very little. It was an 8 week recovery and I feel I lost a lot of time and energy.

Another wisdom tooth has been causing me pain and grief and I have tried to put it off for as long as I could due to my previous experience. I bit the bullet, booked an appointment and on that morning I stood in the shower with the water washing over me. I centred myself, took a few deep breaths in to calm myself and bring peace. And then I made my intention.

“I intend for my wisdom tooth extraction to go well today. The tooth will pop out effortlessly, with minimal pain and a short recovery. What a great experience it is.”

And I got it. It did take a little longer to remove than a standard extraction (stubborn teeth of mine) but it was drastically less traumatic than my first experience. A little sore and swollen which is to be expected but I haven’t been confined to bed, dosing myself up on painkillers and struggling to function.

I love intentions.

What intentions do you like to set for the day?

What can you achieve in 7 years?

What can you achieve in 7 years?

Yesterday was 7 years since I’d left my husband, the father of my kids and the only life I’d ever known. I needed an AVO and police intervention after years of domestic violence including verbal and physical abuse. When I left him I luckily had a lot of support around me but I had zero self esteem and had no idea how I would manage life as a single mum after being with him since I was 15.

In the last 7 years I have been raising 5 kids by myself and doing a pretty good job. They’re all good kids and I take all the credit for it.

I’ve taken them to the snow, on several cruises, on their 1st overseas trip and across NSW camping and fourbying. We’re roadtripping to Uluru in a few months too!

I go to school events, footy games, netball carnivals, take them moto riding and love them fiercely.

I got divorced, finalised property settlement, worked my ass off and sacrificed a lot to buy my exhusband out and keep the house to give my children security and stability. I then renovated the house, sold the house and moved down the coast in search of a better life for us. We found it. It’s gorgeous down here.

I bought a block of land and moved into our brand new house 12 months ago.

I’ve graduated Uni with a Bachelor of Community Development and currently at Uni studying Law to maintain my employability and ensure our futures.

I self published a book on my DV experience, sold copies around the world and about to start collaborating with a company who shares my vision.

I’ve lost 5 kilos, worked on me and my healing and gained self confidence and self esteem I never imagined I’d ever have. I’ve learned to love who I am, flaws and all, and so damn excited for what the future holds.

I’ve never been happier ❤️