There are many articles out there that list the warning signs of abusive relationships. Control, putting you down, isolating you from friends and family who are no good, getting overly angry about little things, twisting stories to make it seem like your fault or that you didn’t hear properly or misunderstood.
In my experience, these things can take many years to pop up or many years for you to make the connection instead of justifying it away with:
- S/he’s just stressed
- If I had kept my mouth shut it wouldn’t have happened
- I should have listened better so I didn’t misunderstand
- I’ll keep the children quieter next time
Today I’m giving you two warning signs to watch for while you are dating. Two telling signs that will you give you the knowledge and power to make your own decisions early on and then walk away if necessary.
How he talks about his mother and interacts with her on the phone. If his mother is a dumb bitch who never did anything right for him or his siblings or father, that’s a warning sign. If his mother was abused by his father, be very wary, because this is the narrative he’s grown up with. Children who witness DV are more likely to become perpetrators or victims of abuse into the future because this is their lived experience. Not all children of DV become victims/perpetrators but it’s definitely a handy little sign to keep tucked away.
Are all of his ex’s crazy, psycho and sent him insane? If they did, there may be a common denominator here – him. Sometimes we hear stories about other people and make up our minds based on their perception. If we met them in person our own perceptions would be much different. Maybe they were all clinically diagnosed as mentally ill but it’s a sign to be wary of when we’re listening to stories without knowing the truth because after all there are three sides to every story – yours, mine and the truth.
Disclaimer: Women can be perpetrators and men can be victims. My posts reflect my own lived experienced of a male abuser/female victim dynamic.
My name is Lisa and I am the founder of Lisa’s Sanctuary – DV awareness, support and hope. I am an expert and advocate of DV and have a vision to guide people from a victim mentality to a survivor mindset.
I have refrained from referring to myself as an expert because who am I to be an expert in this field? Who am I to share my knowledge and profess to know so much?
The fact is though, I am an expert and it’s time I believed in myself and my ability to help.
I have a lived experience of DV. I once believed the only way out of my relationship was in a body bag. But here I am, 7 1/2 years later, living a life of peace and freedom, confidence and self-worth to remind you all that there is life after DV.
I am currently enrolled in a Graduate Diploma of Domestic and Family Violence Practice where I’m delving more into the theories, responses, interventions, definitions of DV and all of the associated abuse. I see myself and my abuser in these theories and definitions. Knowledge is power.
I escaped my DV relationship with my life but with no self-confidence, self-esteem or self-worth. I was in a victim mentality for some time. I continued to prove to my abuser in unhealthy ways that I was enough. But none of it was very satisfying.
Over the years, I have gained all of that and then some. I am living a life that I deserve because I am worthy of it. I truly believe that. And that’s what I want to help others do. To guide people from a victim mentality to a survivor mindset.
Yesterday was 7 years since I’d left my husband, the father of my kids and the only life I’d ever known. I needed an AVO and police intervention after years of domestic violence including verbal and physical abuse. When I left him I luckily had a lot of support around me but I had zero self esteem and had no idea how I would manage life as a single mum after being with him since I was 15.
In the last 7 years I have been raising 5 kids by myself and doing a pretty good job. They’re all good kids and I take all the credit for it.
I’ve taken them to the snow, on several cruises, on their 1st overseas trip and across NSW camping and fourbying. We’re roadtripping to Uluru in a few months too!
I go to school events, footy games, netball carnivals, take them moto riding and love them fiercely.
I got divorced, finalised property settlement, worked my ass off and sacrificed a lot to buy my exhusband out and keep the house to give my children security and stability. I then renovated the house, sold the house and moved down the coast in search of a better life for us. We found it. It’s gorgeous down here.
I bought a block of land and moved into our brand new house 12 months ago.
I’ve graduated Uni with a Bachelor of Community Development and currently at Uni studying Law to maintain my employability and ensure our futures.
I self published a book on my DV experience, sold copies around the world and about to start collaborating with a company who shares my vision.
I’ve lost 5 kilos, worked on me and my healing and gained self confidence and self esteem I never imagined I’d ever have. I’ve learned to love who I am, flaws and all, and so damn excited for what the future holds.
I’ve never been happier ❤️
Several years ago a pilot program was established in 3 NSW regions where you (or a concerned family member/friend) could attend the police station to seek information and any previous history of domestic violence about a current or former partner. It was designed to give people informed knowledge about their partner’s potential history of violence to keep them safe.
It proved to be beyond valuable so here’s a website where you can input a name and seek your own information.
Knowledge is power.
Disclaimer: It seems to be only several years old as my AVO’s against my ex-partner from 2009-2012 are not available however his AVO’s from current partner over the last few years are.
Exercise caution and always always trust your gut
Please share to get the website known by anyone who this may be of interest to.